I... may have to out myself

A certain computer company requires me to either out myself or hide myself if I want sell applications through them.

This company carelessly seeks to accomplish what Dana Lane Taylor spent a long time trying to do - but they want me to do it to myself. This company doesn't care, just as Dana didn't, doesn't, give a toss. With her it was personal, with this company it's all about keeping their databases nice and tidy and fuck you if you have any different ideas about your own identity. They couldn't care less about me. They couldn't care less about transgendered individuals. They won't be transphobic, but they sure as hell won't do anything positive for a transgendered developer.

There's nothing in the agreement I have with them, an agreement that is at their bidding - it's a bureaucrat deep in the hierarchy, someone who doesn't have to talk to me or understand me or even care about my identity, my self. They clearly don't give a flying fuck about the impact on me. There's no appeal on the decision - it's as final and solid as it is arbitrary and hurtful.

They're about optimism - as long as you fit their ideas of identity and gender. With their capricious decision they're basically saying that their database is more important than my optimism. That their representation of me will be dictated by them. That I have no control over how they portray me, what my name is - to them it's a matter of keeping the database nice, their processes and procedures are more important than my identity. They're billions of dollars big, I'm a transgendered individual writing code in a spare room, hoping to make a difference somewhere. They don't have to hope - they've made a huge difference to me. They demand that I do something I'm not in a position to do, right now: change my name legally. And with that, they require that I out myself. Because they'll change how they depict me only when I jump through their hoops and prove the name change. Something that affects my citizenship application, and something I can't afford to do right now.

Oh, they'll look at my apps - and they'll publish them under the name I had to provide. So when I actually do what they require - they can tell the world I'm a transsexual. Ooh - look at this developer. He's a tranny, he is! Actually, they won't tell the world - they'll just be the happy conduit for me to out myself.

Do I now abandon those projects? Or do I out myself? Or do I hide who wrote them? Pretend it's not me, but someone I used to be, decades ago?

I'm under NDA so I can't name the company, but I can sure as hell give voice to how I feel about their decision. I suppose they could argue that even expressing my feelings about their evil decision is covered by their NDA. Hell, the NDA is so tight I can't tell my shadow. I do, however, have a right to express how I feel about their decision. How it makes me feel. How it will affect me. I'm sure the faceless lawyer who made the decision would argue otherwise - but that faceless grey suit doesn't give a damn about the anguish this requirement for corporate conformance brings. "Disappointed" would be putting it mildly. Distressed, angry, hurt. Second class. "Be a rebel" has become "thou must conform to what we want". Difference has given way to arbitrary enforced compliance, to an horrible Kafka-esque nightmare.

I feel like crying.

Carolyn Ann

PS On the positive side, at least Dana might have something to look forward to. She didn't out me, but a Mighty Corporation is on her side in all this.