Steve Ballmer declares war on Apple

Steve Ballmer today declared war on Apple... This is a transcript of his speech to a Kindergarten class:

Turning once again, and this time more generally, to the question of Apple, I would observe that there has never been a period in all these long centuries of which we boast when an absolute guarantee against Apple, still less against serious raids, could have been given to our Operating System. In the days of Napoleon, er I mean Steve Jobs, of whom I was speaking just now, the same wind which would have carried his copies of OS X across the World might have driven away the blockading fleet of our monopolistic business practices. There was always the chance, and it is that chance which has excited and befooled the imaginations of many upstart challengers. Many are the tales that are told. We are assured that novel methods will be adopted, and when we see the originality of malice, the ingenuity of aggression, the sheer innovation which our enemy displays, we may certainly prepare ourselves for every kind of novel stratagem and every kind of brutal and treacherous maneuver and boring product. I think that no idea is so outlandish that it should not be considered and viewed with a searching, but at the same time, I hope, with a steady eye. We must never forget the solid assurances of corporate power and those which belong to Microsoft if they can be locally exercised or purchased. 

I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their worst, if nothing is neglected, and if the best arrangements are made, as they are being made, we shall prove ourselves once more able to defend our Antiquated Operating System, to ride out the storm of war, and to outlive the menace of tyranny, if necessary for years, and alone. At any rate, that is what we are going to try to do. That is the resolve of His Majesty, Myself. That is the will of Microsoft and the nation. Windows and Our Lackeys, I mean WinTel Manufacturers linked together in their cause and in their need, will defend to the death of the WinTel Manufacturer the Windows Operating System, they aiding each other like good comrades to the utmost of their strength, us undermining them every which way we can. 

Even though large numbers of people and many old and famous individuals have fallen or may fall into the grip of Apple and all the odious apparatus of the iPhone and iPad, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in the Malls, we shall fight in the courts and press, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength on our website, we shall defend our Antique Operating System, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the licensing, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets and the mall corridors, we shall fight them in our meaningless television adverts; we shall never surrender, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this corporation or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond Seattle, subjugated and cowed by us in Seattle, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World of Mitt Romney, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old and antique. 

We are trying to make absolutely clear we are not going to leave any space uncovered to Apple. We are not. No space uncovered that is Apple’s.

(I'm not sure if that's exactly verbatim... [Apparently it was a trade group, not a kindergarten to whom he inflicted gave this speech to. Sorry, my bad.])

Carolyn Ann