To: Fox News pundits and anchors
... and Sarah Palin
Subject: Today's Obamacare ruling
As you might know, today is when the Supreme Court rules on that terrible law, Obamacare. This memo is a guide to how you will react. Please note that no matter the outcome, Obama lost. Big Time. If the law is upheld in its entirety - Obama lost. Clear?
The following are acceptable on-camera behavior for this situation
- Shrieks of dismay
- Hands on mouth, muttering "oh my God!"
- Looking aghast (that's "worse than astonished" for those presenters who didn't attend High School. ... And Sarah Palin)
- Crying (don't be wuss like Boehner; make it heartfelt)
- Writhing on floor
- Talking "in voices"
Frequently predicting the End of the Known World is expected if any part of this law is upheld. Pundits will be paid according to the hysteria of such predictions and the number of times they make it. The going rate is $5 per hysterical cry and $5.50 for each prediction. Up to 10 such predictions in any one hour.
Our production department has prepared footage from the Soviet Union in the 1970's. Many of these shots show people in food lines, in deep snow. They have been labeled "this morning in Duluth", "this morning in Los Angeles" and "Florida". We have also labeled footage of people running from natural disasters; please check with your producer for the labeling. Please don't make the mistake of letting anyone know they are fake. (That especially applies to you, Steve Doocy.) Just remember that all of these shots are to be treated as contemporary, a result of liberal policies and Obama and the Obamacare ruling.
Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly and that other one (someone get me his name... the president guy... Yeah, Huckabee, that's him) will be leading their shows with hysterical outpourings of grief; it will be accompanied by histrionic happiness, depending on the outcome. Mike Huckabee will also lead us into either doleful (sad) rendition of the national anthem and a few political hymns or a gleeful one. Chuck Norris has promised to make himself available in either case.
You know your jobs - and that is not to be fair or balanced. Or even truthful. This is a Big Day and we need Obamacare to fail. The bathrooms on 5 will be fixed when I'm not feeling like a cheap bastard.